A lesson in alien biology
by aleya17358
Summary: an awesome karkat i found on Dave gets curious when Karkat gets a prank pulled on him NSFFFWWWW smut smut smut


This is a not safe for work chat.

turntechGodhead [TG] joined chat.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] joined chat.

TG: sup karkat hows it hangin

CG: OH PRETTY ALRIGHT, EXCEPT *SOMEONE* BROKE INTO MY BLOCK TO DRAW A GIGANTIC HUMAN BULGE ON THE WALL.

CG: HAVE ANY IDEA WHO IT MAY HAVE BEEN, STRIDER?

TG: hahahaha thats genius dude

TG: i wish i could own up to that awesome stunt but unfortunately i have no clue vantas

CG: BULLSHIT YOU DON'T!

TG: is it a big one

CG: WHO ELSE WOULD DO IT?

TG: i dont know anyone who knew what a human bulge looked like

TG: theyre beautiful man

CG: NO THEY ARE NOT.

TG: once you get a glimpse you cant get em out of your head

TG: ok question

TG: what do you have under those wound up knickers of yours vantas

CG: WOW NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

TG: just a little curiosity man is it so awful to want to know more about the aliens im dealing with here

CG: MAYBE IF YOU GET FAR IN A QUADRANT WITH SOMEONE YOU'LL FIND OUT, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU.

TG: hey karkat

TG: you hate me right

CG: OR YOUR SINGLE HUMAN QUADRANT WHATEVER.

TG: or

CG: WHAT?

TG: do i need to make you

TG: i dont know remind me again how that hate bullshit works

CG: YES I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HAVE POSSIBLY HATED ANYONE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

CG: BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I HATE *HATE* YOU.

TG: ohohoh damn kitkat im honored

TG: ok whats the difference

TG: you hate me

TG: and you obviously want to fuck me senseless so why cant you tell me what your junk looks like

TG: ill be your kismewhatever if i need to dude i really want to know

CG: MY HATE FOR YOU IS PLATONIC. YOU COULD SHOVE A WOODEN CLUB WITH NAILS DRIVEN THROUGH IT UP YOUR HUMAN RECTUM AND I WOULD NOT GIVE A SHIT. IF I HATE HATED YOU, I'D WANT TO SEE THAT TO LAUGH AT YOUR PAIN AND RUB DIRT IN YOUR EYES AFTER I BROKE YOUR SHITTY SHADES THAT HIDE GOD KNOWS WHAT, SOME KIND OF DEFORMITY PROBABLY.

TG: no man

TG: the shades are for your own protection

CG: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT INTERSPECIES RELATIONS, DIDN'T I MAKE THAT RULE CLEAR?

CG: I DO NOT WANT YOU IN MY BLACK QUADRANT.

TG: if you saw behind them your clothes might melt straight off

TG: aw come on karkitty 33333333

TG: no one has to know

TG: i wont even tell lalonde

CG: HA. THAT'S A LAUGH. IF ANYTHING I THINK MY SKIN MAY FUSE TO MY CLOTHING TO ENSURE IT STAYS ON FOREVER AFTER A SIGHT LIKE THAT.

TG: dont hate on the eyes bro

TG: trust me theyre panty droppers

CG: I AM NOT LABELING YOU MY KISMESIS JUST TO EASE MY CONSCIENCE TO SHOW YOU MY BULGE.

TG: then just show me

CG: THAT'S NOT HOW SHIT WORKS.

CG: WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED?

CG: I HAVE NO INTEREST TO SEE YOUR HUMAN BULGE.

TG: you know what a human bulge looks like

TG: kind of

TG: i have no idea what the hells going on in your pants

TG: im curious

TG: striders gotta know

TG: what if i need the knowledge someday

CG: NO THEY DO NOT GOTTA KNOW.

CG: THEN YOU ASK YOUR MATESPRIT OR KISMESIS.

TG: awwwwww come on vantas

CG: A THOUSAND FUCK NOS.

TG: i dont have anyone to ask and you seem to hate me enough that youd never tell anyone i saw your freakish junk

TG: problem is if i ask someone to show me their dick

TG: ill have to fuck them

CG: HUMANS ARE THE ONES WITH FREAKISH JUNK.

TG: see i cant really ask someone i dont want to fuck

TG: nope my cock is majestic as fuck dont hate till you try it

CG: DID YOU JUST SUBTLY TELL ME YOU WANT TO FUCK ME?

TG: maybe i did

TG: i dont know

TG: depends

CG: THAT'S NOT REALLY SURPRISING WITH ALL THE BLACK FLIRTING YOU DO.

TG: youre hot ok

TG: im hot

TG: makes sense

TG: if were going to be stuck here might as well relieve some of the hormones

TG: its just practical

TG: i might even let you top if you were good

CG: THE PROBLEM WITH ALL THAT IS I DOUBT YOU COULD EVEN GET MY BULGE OUT.

TG: wait its not out all the time the fuck

TG: ok but

CG: NO?

TG: i could totes give you a boner if thats what you mean

CG: IS YOURS?

TG: yeah

CG: ISN'T THAT UNCOMFORTABLE?

TG: it just kinda hangs there

CG: GROSS.

TG: look

TG: vantas

TG: trust me

TG: dave strider has a choice ass

TG: lets just get us some of these babies .

TG: and get on with it

TG: its only a matter of time

TG: its obvs gonna happen eventually

CG: UGH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!

CG: WHY WOULD YOU BRING BUCKETS INTO THIS?!

CG: YOU THINK WE REALLY FIND BUCKETS SEXY, DAVE?

TG: i dont know i thought they had some weird sexual meaning or some shit

CG: DO YOU EVEN *UNDERSTAND* BUCKETS AND HOW TRAUMATIZING THEY ARE TO US?

TG: what the fuck do you use them for anyway

CG: YES THEY DO BUT SEXUAL MEANING ISN'T ALWAYS A GOOD THING.

TG: far as im concerned it is

CG: BASICALLY, A DRONE COMES TO YOUR HIVE WITH ONE AND FORCES YOU TO FILL IT WITH YOUR MATESPRIT OR KISMESIS.

TG: oh

CG: IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE, YOU'RE FUCKING *DEAD*.

TG: do they watch you do the nasty

CG: YES.

CG: THEY STAND RIGHT FUCKING THERE.

TG: thats kinky as fuck man

CG: WAITING FOR YOU TO FINISH.

CG: NO IT'S FUCKED UP AND A FATE NO TROLL CAN ESCAPE.

CG: EXCEPT FOR NOW.

TG: so no buckets then

TG: fine

CG: I THOUGHT I THREW ALL THE BUCKETS OFF THE METEOR.

TG: we can still bang though

TG: ha you tried

TG: i bet ampora as a fucking room full

CG: FUCK YOU HE DOES NOT AND DID NOT.

TG: ok ok ok

TG: but if we dont need the buckets

TG: then were all set

TG: so

TG: whatre you waiting for vantas

TG: come get a handful of this strider meat

CG: YOU FOR SURE WON'T TELL ANYONE?

TG: promise

TG: i swear on my shades dude

CG: I MIGHT JUST SNAP THOSE IN HALF WHEN WE'RE THROUGH.

TG: try and youre dead

CG: I'LL TAKE THAT AS A CHALLENGE.

CG: WHERE SHOULD WE DO THIS THEN.

TG: come find me

TG: you know regardless of those nubby things on your head you really are a horny little shit

CG: SHUT UP.

TG: out of curiosity

TG: what happens if i touch your horns

CG: IF YOU'RE NOT IN YOUR BLOCK IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES THEN YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE.

CG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING FIND OUT.

TG: alright alright calm down on my way kitkat

TG: the doors open just come in when you get here

CG: FINE.

CG: *It's not too long after that Karkat's at Dave's door hesitantly reaching to open it. He takes a deep breath before he forces himself to turn the knob and push, quickly entering and shutting the door behind him.* STRIDER?

TG: *dave is chilling on his bed in the coolest way possible with a mischievous grin on his face* sup karkitty

TG: knew you couldnt resist *stand up walking toward karkat*

CG: *Karkat has to stop himself from rolling his eyes and keeps a steady glare on Dave as he approaches.* YEAH WELL YOU PISSED ME OFF ENOUGH TO NEED SOMETHING TO BITE INTO.

TG: *grabs him by his shoulders and spins him around till karkat is sitting on the edge of his bed. dave straddles his lap* lets get this show on the road vantas

CG: *His eyes widen momentarily as he's spun and pushed down to sit on the bed. He somewhat leans back on his hands.* WHATEVER JUST DON'T MAKE ME REGRET IT.

TG: *dave chuckles before he violently jams his lips into karkats, kissing him with all of the force he can muster up*

TG: *his hand reaches down to the hem of karkats shirt, slipping gently up it*

CG: MPH. *He hums in annoyance as their lips are mushed together and presses back into it, his claws gripping at the sheets of bed.*

TG: *dave manages to get karkats botton lip between his teeth and tugs on it*

TG: *he pulls away from the kiss and starts to tease at karkats jaw with his mouth, his hands making their way further up his shirt*

CG: *He growls at the tug to his lip, glancing at the human in irritation. He raises a brow to the hands travelling up his abdomen.* I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU'RE EXPECTING TO FIND THERE.

TG: nipples dipshit

TG: believe or not they can feel good

TG: wait

TG: what the fuck

TG: *his hands reach where karkats nipples should be*

TG: where the fuck are your nips man

CG: HAVING SOME TROUBLES STRIDER?

CG: WHY WOULD I HAVE NIPPLES?

TG: jeses fucking christ is it all just skin up here

CG: YES.

TG: do you even know what nipples are

CG: SOME BEASTS HAVE THEM SO I KNOW OF THEM.

CG: AND YOU HAVE THEM.

CG: WHICH IS PRETTY HILARIOUS.

TG: my nipples are majestic dont hate

TG: *reaches down to pull his own shirt over his head*

TG: look at those beauties

TG: *daves hands return to the hem of karkats shirt, tugging it upward*

CG: THEY'RE PINK.

TG: pretty right

CG: *Karkat lifts his arms to allow Dave to pull off his shirt to actual reveal his lack of nipples and belly button. On his sides are 3 red bumps protruding his skin.*

TG: *eyes karkat up and down, a smirk growing on his lips. he leans in close to karkats ear*

TG: wanna lick em

CG: DEPENDS.

TG: on

CG: THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LEAK SOME KIND OF HUMAN MILK, ARE THEY?

TG: hahahaha no dude only pregnant chicks do that

CG: PREGNANT?

CG: HUMANS GET PREGNANT?

TG: nevermind this is a conversation for another time

CG: WHATEVER.

TG: get on with it karkitty

TG: try em out

CG: *Karkat leans forward, gripping his waist to keep him still as he drags the rough surface of his tongue along one of his nipples.*

TG: *dave moans, barely managing to keep it sounding cool*

TG: youre not half bad at this vantas

TG: *tangles a hand in his hair, pulling karkat back up to meet his lips again*

TG: *dave leans into karkat causing him to fall flat onto the bed under him*

CG: *Karkat keeps a grip on his waist, softly dragging his along the soft skin. He presses back into the kiss, tilting his head to a slight angle to deepen it.*

TG: *chuckles* eager little troll arent we *slips his hand down to unbutton karkats pants*

TG: *starts to kiss below karkats jaw* so tell me how i get this bulge of yours to come out or whatever

CG: YOU'RE JUST AS EAGER, IF NOT, MORE. *He props himself up with his elbows.*

CG: WHAT, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN ON A TROLL?

CG: AND HERE I THOUGHT YOU HAD ALL YOUR GAME PLANS FIGURED OUT.

TG: i do

TG: just checking if there was like

TG: some sort of tribal mating ritual i had to do or something

TG: *suddenly pulls karkats pants down to his ankles*

TG: *starts kissing him again, moving down his chest*

TG: shit wait

TG: i forgot something *between kisses*

TG: *brings his lips back up to karkats neck and reaches a hand up toward his short horns*

TG: *his left hand grabs hold of one and starts to rub the base*

CG: *Karkat gasps softly, shutting his eyes and biting his lip.* F-FUCK.

TG: hahaha oh shit bro

TG: i think i found your spot

TG: *brings his other hand up to rub karkats other horn*

CG: SH-SHUT UP.

TG: *right next to karkats ear* youre cute when youre horny

CG: *He tilts his head back a bit, pressing his horns aganst his hands more with a held back moan.* NNH...

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

CG: *A slight rumble begins to form in the back of his throat as Dave continues.*

TG: *dave is now sitting over where karkats bulge is starting to come out, and starts to slowly rock himself on it*

TG: what happens *dave pushes karkats head down just enough so he can reach his horn with his mouth* if i do this

TG: *dave slowly drags his tongue up and over the tip of one of karkats horns*

TG: *still rutting against him*

CG: *He gasps sharply, his hips pressing up against Dave, coaxing his bulge out more. He bites his lip with a groan as the rumbling in his throat gets louder.*

CG: O-OH FUUCK... MMH.

TG: *dave removes one of his hands from karkats horns to unbutton his own pants, undoing them and pulling them down quickly*

TG: *dave breathes heavily, clearly trying to stifle moans*

CG: O-OH, WHAT THE FUCK IS *THAT*?

TG: oh my precious virgin karkat

TG: its a dick

CG: THE DRAWINGS LOOK BETTER.

TG: *grabs karkats hand and wraps it around his own length, moving it up and down, showing him what he likes*

TG: like i said kitkat

TG: dont hate till you try it

CG: *He gasps, biting at his lip as he gently squeezes, allowing Dave to guide is hand.*

CG: THAT'S. FUCK.

TG: *he goes back to rubbing karkats horns, biting and licking at his jaw*

TG: what do you think kittykat

TG: *moans softly*

TG: nngh... no need to be so gentle

CG: *He lifts his hips enough for his Bulge to reach him once it's full unsheathed, letting his bulge wrap itself around Dave's with a soft groan. He removes his hand from him to place on his hip instead to pull him closer.*

TG: h-holy shit

TG: *moaning, starting to lose his cool facade*

TG: your dick is like a *moans* fucking snake

CG: *He rocks his hips up, his bulge tightening it's hold on him and squirming.*

CG: NNNH... REALLY? THOUGHT IT WAS MORE LIKE A TENTACLE.

TG: fuck ok

TG: y-yeah

TG: a really

TG: hot tentacle

TG: shit vantas

TG: *daves grip on karkats horn tightens and his right hand slides down to the troll's bulge*

TG: apparently

TG: ngnnhh..

TG: *having trouble getting the words out*

TG: you have some sort of pussy under there too *he says this as he finds karkats nook*

TG: *laughing lightly, he forcefully pushes a finger inside of karkat*

CG: *His claws dig into Dave's hips as he rocks against him more.* YEAH, DON'T Y- OOOH FFFMMN. *His back arches with a low groan, pressing his hips up more as he inserts his finger deeper. He head turns to the side as he pants for breath.*

CG: AH.. F-FUCK, STRIDER.

TG: *lowly whispers in to karkats ear* you like that dont you *he roughly pushes another finger inside of him*

CG: *Karkat whimpers a moan, nodding his head and spreading his legs further in response. His hips jerk up to rut against him as his claws scratch at his hips.*

TG: wow vantas never knew you were so dirty *he starts to pull away from karkats bulge*

TG: turn over

CG: *He whines as he pulls away but eventually does as he's told and turns over.*

CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

TG: patience is a virtue

TG: *he positions his cock at karkats nook and grabs hold of one of the trolls horns before thrusting into him with immense force*

CG: BEING A FUCKING ASSHO- NNNNNGH F-FUCK! *He bites back on his lip, burying his head into the mattress, muffling his voice.* MNPPH.. MMH.

TG: *groaning

TG: that feels ngnh.. good d-doesnt it kittykat

CG: *His hips raise a bit more, quivering in pleasure for him to continue. His bulge curls up, rubbing against itself.*

TG: ugh... fuck... vantas youre so tight *slams into him harder*

CG: *He whimpers a groan into the mattress, rocking his hips back against him.* F-FUCK NNGH. D-DAVE.

TG: shit

TG: *he feels himself getting close, and grabs on to karkats hips, slamming him back on his dick*

TG: yes oh f-fuck

TG: im gonna... fuuuck

TG: *his whole body tenses up*

TG: *he doesnt pull out of karkat, who is moaning beneath him*

TG: *dave moans as he releases his load into the trolls nook*

CG: AH! D-DAVE, NNGH... *He grips at the sheets, ripping through them with his claws as his nook quivers around him. He turns his head to the side, resting it against the mattress as he pants out, feeling the humans fluids drip down his thighs.*

TG: *dave pants and flops down to rest beside karkat on his bed*

TG: fuck

CG: YOU FUCKING. NNH. DID IT IN ME.

TG: do you guys not do that

TG: oh

TG: howd it feel

CG: WE TRY *NOT* TO. I MEAN IT'S COMMON COURTESY TO AT LEAST ASK.

CG: I'M NOT FUCKING DONE ASSHOLE.

TG: i mean when i came inside you

TG: but yeah

TG: dont worry i got it covered

TG: *leans over to put his fingers back in karkats nook*

CG: ...IT WAS ALRIGHT.

TG: *his other hand reaches up toward his horns*

CG: NNMH... AH.

CG: F-FUCK.

TG: *dave can feel karkats bulge wrapping around his wrist as he fingers him*

TG: *he starts to kiss the back of his neck from where hes lying behind him, biting and sucking at the skin*

CG: F-FUCK, DAVE AHN... *His hips rock back against his fingers, panting and muttering broken Alternian as he's nearing his finish.*

TG: *moaning into karkats neck at his response, moving his fingers faster*

CG: *A hand grips at Dave's arm as he begins to gasp out moan after moan. His body tenses and his nook tightens around his fingers as his back arches with a mewl, releasing his red tinted genetic material onto the bed in a large quantity.* NNMAH! STRIDEERR... NGHHH...

TG: *giggling lightly in surprise, his mouth drops open as he watches karkat come* holy shit dude its red

TG: ohhh my god that is so fucking cool

TG: *he pulls his fingers out of karkats nook and brings them up to his mouth, tentatively sticking out his tongue and lightly brushing it against his red stained hand*

CG: *He pants softly, trying to catch his breath. He turns to look at Dave, a bit dazed.* O-OF COURSE IT'S RED, MY BLOOD IS RED. WHAT COLOR IS YO- OH MY GOD. *His face flushes a bright red as he watches him.*

TG: mmm

TG: tastes sweet hahaha

TG: damn

TG: mines white dipshit

TG: also doesnt taste like fucking cotton candy

TG: dude this is delicious

TG: *continues to lick at his hand until there is no more of karkats genetic material on it*

TG: might just have to eat you out next time

CG: WHY'S IT WHI- OH MY GOD STOP LICKING IT. *He rolls back over so he cannot see him.*

CG: NEXT TIME?

TG: fuck yes come on tell me that wasnt amazing

TG: youre so hot

TG: fuck

TG: *reaches his arm around karkat, pulling him into a spooning position*

CG: ...IF THERE'S A NEXT TIME, CAN YOU AT LEAST LAST A BIT LONGER?

TG: man sorry i havent gotten off in like weeks

TG: but yeah ill jerk it before dont worry bbg

CG: THEN ALRIGHT.. *He leans back against Dave a bit, folding his arms.*

TG: i always knew you were a cuddler vantas *dave chuckles, giving the back of karkats shoulder a quick peck*

CG: YOU MIGHT NEED NEW SHEETS BY THE WAY, I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO WASH OUT.

TG: nah its cool i like it

CG: YOU'RE FUCKING WEIRD.

TG: youre the one with jizz that tastes like strawberries *nuzzles into karkat, hugging him closer*

CG: YOUR TASTE BUDS MUST BE FRIED. *His face flushes again. He folds his arms over Dave's with a yawn.*

TG: night karkitty

CG: STOP CALLING ME THAT.

TG: nah


End file.
